Decisions of the Heart
by CaptKJaneway peadom
Summary: 'There are decisions that are made with the head and there are decisions that are made with the heart.'


AntiLitigation Protocols: I don't own 'em. Any recognizable characters belong to their respective creators. I am just playing in the universe. No profit made from this except my own enjoyment.

'There are decisions that are made with the head and there are decisions that are made with the heart.'

–Today in Federation news, Starfleet's golden girl, Admiral Kathryn Janeway was spotted leaving the newest Earth hot spot, Starz Effex. Starz Effex is the newest club owned by former Galactic rock star—

Chakotay's mind drifted to the last image he had of his former captain and best friend. The sun had filtered through her hair, her eyes were bright and laughing. Until they had met his across the room. Then they had heated, turning to blue mercury, passion blazing for all to see.

That passion had grown as they made their way to the terrace. Only he got waylaid by Annika just outside the door. She had thrown her arms around his neck and slammed their lips together. He had pulled away from the embrace in time to see the passion go cold in Kathryn's eyes.

"I love you," Annika had said into the deafening silence. Before he could say anything to Kathryn, she turned and fled back into the ballroom. Chakotay had searched for her for an hour before Admiral Paris had notified him that she had left already. Chakotay's thoughts returned to the present as the news broadcast returned to the topic of Kathryn.

–even more newsworthy than the location of Admiral Janeway was her company. On her arm was Admiral Michael Kailing. These two were very close as they exited the club—

A picture of Kathryn accepting a kiss from the clean-cut fop in an admiral jacket flashed on the screen. Rage filled the inside of Chakotay's head.

_How dare he put his hands on her. She's my…_

_What, you idiot? _He argued with himself, reality breaking through his inner tirade. _She's your former CO. That's it. You blew your chance when you said yes to the Borg disaster._

Walking to the cabinet, he pulled out a bottle of Aleniag Scotch. He downed a shot of the green liquid.

– In other news, Starfleet headquarters is buzzing with rumors of a marriage between the two most well-known of their brass. –

His head whipped around in disbelief. There on the screen was Kathryn standing close with Michael, fingers wrapped together. There on her left hand was a very large diamond. His world narrowed to the thought that she would choose someone else.

His fingers grasped the bottle and turned it upright. The past floating behind his eyes, taunting him with what might have been. The display switched to the blue standby screen an hour later. Its glow highlighting the unconscious form of Voyager's former first officer. A bottle of scotch, empty in his left hand, a broken picture frame in his right. The smiling face of a beautiful red head lay beneath the shattered glass, four golden pips winking from her collar.

"Well, you've done it now, Kathryn," she said to herself, glaring at the rock on her finger. She considered taking it off and hiding it in her room, but she was due to meet with Michael in just a little while. "What the hell were you thinking?"

She pushed the PADDs in front of her to the side, lost in thoughts of the past.

The sunlight streamed through the windows of her room, warming her with its golden fingers. She rose and stood before the glass, despair threatening to overcome her. Questions flew through her head almost too fast to answer.

_How did she wind up married to Starfleet's choice?_

_Why didn't she say no?_

She tried to remember the reasons that she had agreed to this. She didn't love Michael. Stars knew that he didn't love her. They got along well, they were able to discuss matters and come to a reasonable decision. He never raised his voice or lost his temper. Nor did he fire back at her when she lost her temper. He didn't argue with her even when she was clearly in the wrong.

His touch didn't send fire through her system, there were no explosions when they kissed, no weakness, no breathless anticipation.

No. Only one man had ever done any of those things, caused those reactions.

Chakotay. Not Justin, not Mark. Only Chakotay

She sighed his name, a single tear sliding down her cheek. Her best friend, her partner. They had had some hellacious fights over her stubbornness. And shared one night of passion that ended in disaster when he left with the former drone. Bitterness swamped her.

"Oh yeah. That's why I said yes to Michael."

Her musings were interrupted by the door chime.

"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND?" was B'Elanna's greeting.

Kathryn knew that this was coming and took a breath in preparation of the fight in the half Klingon's eyes.

"What were you thinking, _Admiral?_" the title was bit off, full of rage.

"First Bel, it's Kathryn when we are off duty and as to the other…I made a choice."

"You made a CHOICE?" B'Elanna shrieked. "You made a choice! Of all the no account, lame ass excuses…"

Kathryn made herself a cup of coffee while her friend stormed around her room, speaking in a unique mixture of Klingon and English curses. Knowing that B'Elanna would need fuel for her argument, she also ordered a cup of tea. Grasping both glasses, she moved to sit on the couch, handing B'Elanna her cup as she moved past.

"Kathryn, please don't do this," B'Elanna pleaded, sitting next to her, concern showing through the fire in her eyes. "You shut yourself off for seven years while we were out there. Now you are going to do the same thing here."

"How do you figure, Bel. I am marrying a man who is strong, sensible, loyal and honorable."

"PPPffftttt." B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "You want strong and loyal, get another dog. This isn't a pet, Kathryn. You are talking about spending the rest of your life with this man."

"Yes, I know. And it is a good match. We work well together, we have similar goals in life, we understand the demands of each other's jobs…"

"So he is a good match to the Admiral, but is he a good match for Kathryn?"

"We are good together." Kathryn replied weakly. "We…"

"Yes," her friend cut her off, "but do you love him?"

"Sometimes it's not about love." Kathryn sat back, closing her eyes, trying to find a way to explain before she could bring HIS name into the conversation. She took a breath to respond and was cut off by the one thing that was guaranteed to cause a reaction.

"What about Chakotay, Kathryn?"

"What about him, Bel?" she fired back, anger rising. "He left my bed and went to HER."

Sympathy flooded B'Elanna's eyes. She had been there the disastrous night that Annika had returned. Had listened to both sides of the story from both of her closest friends, had been there as a shoulder to cry on and a drinking buddy, depending on which one she was with at the time. She had tried to tell each of them what the other had said, but neither of them was willing to back down. She tried one last time.

"Kathryn, he did not leave with Annika, everyone saw him tear out of there trying to find you."

"He may have come after me, but it was only after I saw him kissing HER on the balcony! And she said that he told her to meet him there. It was a damn set up. She told me everything."

B'Elanna shook her head at her former captain's deliberate stubbornness. She set her cup down on the table and rose.

"Kathryn, I love you both very much and you don't know how much this is tearing all of us apart. Chakotay loves you. What happened that night was a mistake. One he has tried to explain. But you took her word for it. You may want to stop and rethink this. The man waiting by your side for seven years. He loves you. And you love him." She held up a hand to stop Kathryn's denial. "I can see it as clearly as I can see that ring on your finger. And so can everyone else. Some decisions have to be made with the heart, not the head. You need to listen to your heart. You need to stand up and take what is yours before you wind up losing Kathryn to the Admiral. "

With that B'Elanna turned and walked out of the room, leaving Kathryn lost in a whirl storm of emotions and accusations. She turned her glass up, only to spit the now cold coffee back into the cup.

Her throat threatened to close, choking her with unshed tears. The dam cracked, the mask shattered, and Kathryn fell on her side, tears pouring down her face.

"What have I done?"

Chakotay opened the door to see his former Chief of Engineering standing in front of him.

"I figured you would show up sooner or later."

B'Elanna followed him in, looking at the disaster of his living area. An empty Scotch bottle sat on the table. Broken glass and pieces of an antique picture frame lay in a pile on the floor. She spotted a piece of paper laying under the edge of the table. She retrieved it and found a picture of Kathryn, smiling, Chakotay's arms around her.

"I remember this. The last Christmas party before we returned to the Alpha Quadrant. It took all of us to convince her to dance with you. Tom had this picture made special for you." Bel said to the silence of the room. "Chakotay…" she started, only to be cut off by the look of utter desolation in his eyes.

"Is it true?" he asked quietly.

"She is wearing his ring, yes," she whispered, watching his strong shoulders fall, grief openly displayed on his face.

"I guess that's that, then," was his only response.

Compassion moved her across the room to place a hand on his cheek, raising his eyes to hers.

"She's not sure, Chakotay. She still trying to rationalize it to herself."

"What do you mean?" He sounded like a lost child, afraid to hope.

"She is making a decision with her head, not her heart. She has convinced herself that she has to accept this match for the Admiral. She is leaving Kathryn out of the equation. "

She led her friend over to the couch, pulling him to sit beside her. Her hand trembled slightly with emotion as she smoothed his now shoulder length hair away from his face. This man had been through so much, sacrificed almost as much as Kathryn, and they both hurt now.

"You know as well as I do that you were the only one that was able to reach Kathryn behind the command mask. She needs to be reminded that the woman in her needs a lover, not a business partner."

Chakotay pulled away from her, shaking his head.

"No, Bel. She has made her decision. I have spent eight years at her side. Seven on Voyager and one here on Earth while they tried to tear everything that happened to pieces. Eight years. And she would not even give me the benefit of the doubt over the mess with Seven…excuse me _ ANNIKA_. No, she has made her decision, and I can't change her mind."

"Chakotay." B'Elanna thought furiously, trying to find a way to convince him to fight for Kathryn. Finally, an idea formed in her head. His biggest weakness, her health. "Well, if that is how you feel about it. You're probably right. She does deserve to have someone is going to agree with everything she says and who won't fight her to make sure that she takes care of herself. " She smirked to herself inside when his head came whipping up, eyes narrowed.

"Explain that."

"No, it's nothing. He just doesn't argue with her or make sure she eats or sleeps. Just lets her keep pushing because after all, that is what being an admiral is. Always on call, always immersed in work, no time for personal things, no time to…"

B'Elanna stopped when she realized that she was talking to an empty room. She moved to the now open front door to see Chakotay running hell bent towards the transport station down the road. She couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face.

"Time to start thinking with your hearts, guys."

Kathryn paused in the act of wrapping a towel around her body to stare at herself in the mirror. Time had not been her friend. She was thin, her skin sickly pale, her eyes shadowed and haunted by her decisions over the last decade.

She had fallen asleep after B'Elanna had left earlier, dreaming of tanned hands running over her body, dark eyes staring into hers as her body was taken to new levels of passion. And of course, before she had reached the finale, the computer had woken her to remind her of the "date" she had scheduled with Michael. That had been a disaster. She had thrown herself into the meeting at the restaurant. And into his goodnight kiss just a little while ago. That had been laughable. After a few moments of pressing her body tightly against his, hoping for some kind of spark, he had smiled at her and told her that he would see her tomorrow.

So here she was, alone, body on fire, need swamping her mind. She looked at the mirror again, running her hand over her curves, imagining that it was Chakotay's hands on her. Her right hand tweaked her nipple, twisting slightly. A sigh slid between her lips as the fingers of her other hand slid between her thighs to caress her folds. She almost fell to her knees as she pressed a finger into her core, the memory of Chakotay's body sending shivers over her skin.

Over and over again, she forced first one finger, then another into her creamy opening. She could feel the orgasm just out of reach. She slid onto the bench seat beside the mirror without missing a stroke, laying her body back, opening herself for deeper penetration.

Her hands were almost frantic, flying across her clit and breasts. Images of Chakotay's hands and mouth in those same areas flying through her mind. She moved her hand down, shoving four fingers into her pussy, the heel of her hand pressing against her clit.

Her climax ripped through her body, tearing his name from her lips. She lay there for several minutes relearning how to breathe. It was a moment before she realized that she was not alone. She looked to her left, towards the door.

Blue passion-glazed eyes met black desire-filled ones. Chakotay could not bring himself to step back out of the room. The door man down stairs had confirmed that she was home so when she didn't answer the door he had punched in her override code and entered, thinking her to be ill. He had forgotten how to breathe at the sight of her body laid out open for him, her passion evident in the glisten on her thighs and hands. The sound of his name coming from her lips stunned him.

Now it made him angry.

Kathryn sat up, warily wrapping her towel around her.

"What are you doing here, Chakotay?" she asked, still breathless from her climax.

"I could ask you the same thing, Kathryn."

"I live here."

"B'Elanna said that you weren't taking care of yourself. I came to check on you and found…this," he snarled, waving his hand in her direction.

"Well, as you can see, Captain. I am fine," Kathryn stated, turning away towards her dressing screen, the icy mask of the Admiral coming down over her face. At the use of his rank, Chakotay stormed across the room, grabbing her arm and forcing her to face him.

"Not this time, Kathryn. Damn you. You aren't using ranks to get out of it this time."

"I don't know what you mean," she stated coldly.

"Like hell you don't. For seven years, you used our ranks to keep us apart. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS, Kathryn. Any time that I got too close, you would push me away with 'Commander'. I'm not your first officer anymore, Kathryn. DAMN YOU, " he yelled as she tried to pull away again. He grabbed her by her arms and drug her into the living room, throwing her down on the couch. He stepped back and pointed at her, effectively stopping her from rising and leaving again.

"We are going to finish this now, Kathryn."

Kathryn froze at the sight of the warrior that she thought was lost in the Delta Quadrant. A dangerous thrill slid up her spine, the heat of his anger poured over her skin, stealing her breath. This was the man that she had fallen in love with. The Warrior who had fought her at every turn, made her earn her place at the head of their ship. The man who had awakened her passions and reminded her that the uniform didn't keep her warm at night. And she had just decided to let him go.

"Okay, Chakotay. We'll talk, then." She waited a moment for him to say something. When he didn't, she decided to break the ice. "What do you want to talk about?"

She almost regretted the question as his eyes dropped to her left hand. Finding no ring there, they rose back to meet hers, the question apparent in them.

"It is in the bedroom. I don't wear it unless we are in public," she answered the unspoken question.

"So you have decided," he said, fury coloring his words. "You are going to marry him, knowing what we have?"

"What do we have, Chakotay?" she cried desperately, allowing her mask to slip a little. "Regrets, 'what ifs', and 'what might have been'."

"No, Kathryn. We had love. And passion. And a partnership," Chakotay said, turning to face her. " But I guess that wasn't enough, was it? "

"No, it wasn't enough. Not when she was there every time I turned around," Kathryn yelled, her temper flaring.

"She? Seven? She wasn't there," he yelled back at her. Kathryn jumped to her feet, heedless of the amount of skin that was revealed as the towel shifted.

"Like hell she wasn't, Chakotay. Every fucking time I turned around, there she was."

Chakotay stepped up to her, a fraction of an inch separating them.

"I never slept with her. I went on three dates with her BEFORE we returned to the Alpha Quadrant. I never wanted her, Kathryn, I wanted…" Chakotay stopped, breathing heavy, staring down at her face. He could see the goose bumps on her skin from the cool air in the room. Her scent, fresh strawberries and vanilla, filled his senses.

He jerked away from her, going to stand before the window on the other side of the room. Kathryn watched his eyes go distant, staring down at the street. She could hear the past as it filled the void between them. All of the times that she had pushed him away, all the times that duty had come first.

"Chakotay, I saw you that night on the balcony."

She flinched from the anger in his eyes but refused to back down. He took two steps towards her and stopped.

"You saw a very drunken woman throw herself in my arms and tell me that she loved me. You ran before you saw me push her away and reject her. I was INNOCENT! All I wanted was you and now because of a misunderstanding, you have chosen to marry someone else."

Each word was bit off sharply. Each step towards her, a predator stalking prey.

"Chakotay…" she started warily, torn between fear that she would be hurt and the hope that the Warrior would take charge and push her.

"Tell me, Kathryn, does he make you burn?" Chakotay asked, unbuttoning his shirt. Kathryn took a step back, fear and desire fighting in her middle.

"Does his touch make you wet? Do you imagine his body over you?" His shirt fell to the floor. And still he stalked her.

"Pinning you to the ground? Thrusting into you?" He reached out to snag the edge of her towel. Her knees hit the side of the chair, sending her to the floor. The towel unwrapped, baring her upper body to him.

Chakotay sucked in his breath sharply. Desire exploded through his system. Jerking her up into his arms, he captured her lips with his.

The wild taste of his mouth poured into her mouth. Her cry of passion was swallowed by him, the heat of his bare chest imprinting itself on her skin. Passion forced her arms over his shoulders, wrapped her legs around his waist so she could grind herself against the material of his trousers.

Chakotay lifted her into his arms, striding quickly across the living room to her bedroom. Throwing her down on the bed, he quickly removed his pants and underwear.

Kathryn rolled over to find her Angry Warrior in all of his full glory standing at the end of her bed. This is what she had been waiting for. This was what she needed. She opened her arms to him.

He fell on her, feasting at her mouth like a starving man. Her body welcomed the thrust of his without waiting. Her screams echoed in his ears, pushing him to thrust harder, faster. Their climax came towards them like a train running hell bent for the next station. Only there was no station, only their bodies, pushed further and further with every stroke, every caress. Sweat beaded on his back, sliding down his chest. Her breath came in pants, her words of passion reduced to unintelligible cries.

Kathryn screamed his name as her body shattered, flying apart. She caught his cry of "Kathryn" with her lips, tightening her legs around his waist, milking every bit of desire from him.

_What have I just done?_ She asked herself. _What about Michael?_

_Only you would be worried about that right now! _ She argued with herself.

Suddenly, Kathryn could hear B'Elanna's voice in her ear. "_Some decisions have to be made with the heart." _ She knew what she had to do.

Chakotay lay over Kathryn, his body still deep within hers and heard the words that he had been waiting eight years for.

"I love you, Chakotay."

He pulled back to stare into her eyes.

"I love you too, Kathryn. More than anything in this universe."

Lifting his arm to push his hair out of his face, he spotted the diamond ring laying on the bed side table. Reaching over to pick it up, he pulled himself from her body. He lay the ring in her hand, rising from the bed, and put his heart in her hands for what could be the last time.

"You need to decide, Kathryn."

Turning, he walked to the bathroom to clean up.

Kathryn heard the shower start up. She looked down at the ring in her hand. And made a decision.

-Today in Federation news, we have a question to be answered. Where is Admiral Kathryn Janeway? She was last seen boarding a shuttle with her former first officer, Captain Chakotay. The shuttle station refused to provide the destination of this shuttle craft, but a source close to Admiral Janeway has been quoted as saying "Her heart decided." This reporter can only assume that this means that the golden girl of Starfleet has finally decided to act on her own. We can only speculate at this point as to the reason behind this mysterious trip, but I can almost guarantee that there are wedding bells at the final destination.

B'Elanna muted the broadcast and took her glass of wine out onto the porch.

"The stars are bright tonight aren't they." Tom said sliding up behind her, wrapping his arms around her.

"Yes, yes they are." She leaned back to capture his.

Across the continent, in a small cabin in Indiana, the broadcast rolled on without an audience. The sound of the passion drowned out the reporters speculations.

FIN


End file.
